Aunty talks

Venue: Sri Laksmhi Narasimha Kalyana Mandapam, Hyderabad, Andhra Pradesh
Occasion: Telugu Brahmin wedding
Background music: Mangala vayidyalu (Having the ability to make the most famous of Thyagaraja compositions hard to recognize)

Fat aunty (Wearing pattu saree and enough gold to bring a mallu bride's parent to shame): Hello ma. Nice dress.
Me: Thank you aunty. How are you?
Fat aunty: Fine fine. You dont know me I think. I am your mother's brother's sister-in-law's fourth cousin's class mate.
Me: Oh.. (Taking a moment to digest the information), Thats interesting.
Fat aunty: Actually I am searching for my son. He is a very good looking boy, 6ft tall, wearing red colour cooling glasses,
and yellow colour suit. Did you see him?
Me: No aunty... Sorry..
Fat aunty: Are you sure? He was here just 5 mins ago.
Me: I am sure aunty. If I had seen someone wearing red coloured shades and a yellow coloured "suit",
I wouldnt be able to get rid of that mental picture for a while.
Fat aunty: HAHAHAHAHAHA.. (throwing her head back and clapping her hands loudly) These days boys no.. Too much fashion craze..
Me: :)
Fat aunty: So what you do?
Me: I work for Qwest Communications in Bangalore as a Software Engineer.
Fat aunty: Oh.. Bangalore ah.. Bangalore girls are very fast..
Me: Oh, if you mean they grow fast in their career, yea, that may be true.
Fat aunty: No no.. I mean.. Fast.. you know..
Me: Oh ok..
Fat aunty: Dint understand? Means like.. Talking too much to boys.. Wearing short short middis (Telugu for skrirts).. Like that..
Me: Oh ok, you mean modern? .. Yea, thats true.
Fat aunty: But you are not like that I think. You are wearing decent dress.
Me: Well aunty, I'm here for a wedding :)
Aunty: Yes yes, But I want to tell one thing to you.. really.. dont misunderstand aa.. Really I am telling as your well wisher..
Me: Sure aunty, Go ahead..
Aunty: Why you wear chunni like that? Its not good.. You should wear in such a way that it will completely cover upper half of your body..
Me: Oh.. Well.. aunty.. I spent 5000 rupees on this dress and there's some beautiful patterns on the upper half of the dress.
Whats the point of covering it up with a piece of cloth?
Aunty: Aa like this only girls these days are doing.. Why you spend 5000 rupees on one dress? How much salary you get?
Me: Umm.. actually.. Well.. Enough for me to afford this dress .. (Uncomfortable giggle)
Aunty: Just I asked.. Nothing wrong no.. I am like attha (Telugu for aunt) to you.. My son is working in TCS. Dont tell anybody.. He is earning 3.5 lakhs per annum.(Huge grin exposing the pan filled gaps in her teeth)
Me: Oh thats Great.. Aunty actually I have to g...
Aunty: Ayyayyo where you are going? Sit some time and talk no.. You dont like me ah?
Me: No aunty, nothing like that..
Aunty: So how much your husband's salary?
Me: I'm not married aunty..
Aunty: Ayyayyo.. But why????
Me: I mean.. I just didnt get married.. yet..
Aunty: How much old you are?
Me: 24
Aunty: Thats too much.. Why? You are not finding any matches aah? You have high expectation aah? Dont have so much high expectations ma..
Girls only should adjust.. Otherwise you are searching and not finding matches aa? Oh.. Maybe because you are fat.. You should go to gym..
If you become slim, you will get very good matches.. Nowadays in computer you can search matches.. My son know all those website.. I will ask him to
tell to you.. Ayyo.. Actually forget.. I will give to your parents.. You are girl no.. Feel shy talking about matches and all.. I can understand.
Me: Ok sure aunty..
Aunty: Oh there is my son.. Oreyyyyyy Chantiiiii.. Itraaraaaaaa..
Chanti: (Typing something into his iPhone) What ma?
Aunty: Ayyoo.. where you went?
Chanti: Somewhere, why you want to know?
Aunty: Like this only he will do ma.. These days children no.. Too much they are doing..
Anyway, he is my son. Chanti.
Chanti: Actually my name is Prakash.
Aunty: Yea, but everyone will tell as Chanti or Chantigadu only..
Chanti: Please call me Praskash, I prefer that..
Me: Sure..
Aunty: When he was small only it was good.. After becoming big only.. so much vollu pogaru (Literal transalation: Body arrogance)
You only tell ma, what is wrong with Chanti name?
Me: Well.. Umm..
Aunty: Orey Chanti.. give her that webiste name ra.. That one.. Where we are finding girl for Bujjigadu..
Chanti: Gimme your email id, I'll email you the link from my iPhone. (This invited another paan-filled grin from Aunty)
Me: Well.. actually.. I'm good.. Thanks so much..
Aunty: Why??? Ok ok.. you call your mother.. I will advise her how to find good boy for you..
Me: My mom is busy with the bride..
Aunty: But...

Enter Aunty no. 2.. She just walks up to aunty no. 1 stares at my face, then my dupatta, then my forehead (She is mentally calculating the circumference
of my bottu (bindi). Clearly, not liking what she is seeing if her deepening disapproving frown was any indication) She quickly took the seat next to my Aunty.
Aunty no. 2: You know something?
Aunty no. 1: What what..
Aunty no. 2: No dowry only it seems..
Aunty no. 1: Ayyayyo.. why? Girl's parents cant afford aah?
Aunty no. 2: Boy said no need it seems..
Aunty no. 1: Ayyooooo Raaaama.. Boys these days..
Aunty no. 2: Then you know what else..
Aunty no. 1: What what..
Aunty no. 2: No panasapottu koora for dinner it seems..
Aunty no. 1: Hah.. How they can do like that?
Aunty no. 2: Return gift for guests is only 100 rupees worth it seems..
Aunty no. 1: Oh.. Too much less.. Anyway my gift to the boy and girl is 95 rupees, so its ok..
Aunty no. 2: And then you know something?
Aunty no. 1: What What..