Loneliness

The thing about loneliness is that its addictive. However ridiculous this sounds, I just cant seem to get enough of it. Now dont confuse this with solitude. There's a thin line of difference. Solitude is SUPPOSED to feel good. On the other hand, this something out of the ordinary I am experiencing.

I have to be honest. My initial reaction was that of sadness, disappointment, a constant consciousness of that void. But this abnormality started about a month ago. Its really complicated, the psychology behind it all. I think it all emanates from the fact that loneliness brings inside you a sense of independence and pride. After enduring the sad phase, you develop a sense of immunity. "Ah! I dont need anyone else to keep me happy all the time! I am not emotionally dependent on anyone! I'm fine all by myself! I dont have to keep ringing up someone all the time to feel a sense of security!" These thoughts can drive you the extent of craving for more and more loneliness. They can make you go out of your way to not call up friends, to not stay in touch, to lock your feelings up so safely that even you dont know where to find them anymore. It starts to feel great.

Until you realize that one day, when you do have all those people you missed so much back with you, you may have so brutally, killed that part of yourself that appreciated the relationship you shared with them, that you have to start from scratch all over again. Thats when you'll start looking frantically for that place where you locked up all your feelings deep inside you somewhere, and you finally realize loneliness is not that great after all.